Thursday, October 4, 2012

Sex And The Middle Aged Single Guy

Yeah that's right. I'm going there.

When you're a single middle aged male and you're trying to date somehow it always seems like sex is the elephant in the room. That one issue frought with danger to discuss. Or perhaps it just seems that way, given the nature of my mind and how I think about things. I still discuss it. I think it's vital to be discussed, but only because it is part of a larger process that HAS TO HAPPEN. This is probably also why I intimidate some, because I go there in a frank and candid way most females are not accustomed to. But meh, it's me.

Sex, sex, sex! It's one topic women reliably steer clear of. I don't get it at all.

Sex is one of the primary points of this though, isn't it? I have tons of good friends and quite a few really close ones. People whom I truly care about and love. And I'm not having sex with any of those people. They are just my friends. Granted  this is true because many of those friends are guys and I'm not attracted to other guys. Many are women however. Some of these I'm not attracted to, but that's ok isn't it? Some of these are already in relationships with someone else so you don't go there. DUH? Are these things less than obvious?

Seeking someone to date, is seeking someone to reliably have sex with. If you don't look at it like this, not only do I not understand you at all, no one does or ever will. Do you just avoid making it clear you understand this? Why? Because it's a taboo? That's even weirder.

Granted, that's not all I'm seeking. But I'm also not seeking chess partner's or pen pal's either. I have friends that I game with, and anyone who knows me well enough knows what happens when I have a keyboard in front of me. Those things can and should be EASY for everyone. If not, then I'd say you have bigger problems than finding a significant other.

Why is it on women's personal profiles you often come across this specific phrase over and over again?

"I'm not looking for one night stands. If you're here for sex keep moving.." or words to that effect.

Very few men are looking for just a one night stand. I think the same is true of most women. If that's not your thing, then I feel it's appropriate to mention that. But the second sentence confuses the hell out of me.

"If you're here for sex keep moving."

EVERY SINGLE MALE ON EARTH is there for sex so if you're planning on this strategy working well for you I have some bad news.

It is what we're supposed to be there for. Dating is about finding a sexual partner. Sex is mandatory. It is a normal, natural, and necessary part of life. It's why we're all struggling to be with someone else. It's not the only reason, but it most certainly is the pivotal reason. To think otherwise is just strange.

How is this going to play out? I've seen it over and over and OVER again with my female friends over the years, and it always plays out the same way. They find some guy who's clever enough to not make sex an issue (at first at least), but smart enough to coerce her into thinking it was her idea to "go there". So she finds that this clever guy just manipulated her into getting what he wanted, and on his terms. And you bought into this strategy because you made sex into something that it is not (a prize to be won). At the end, it's another horrible guy, you're ability to trust is further damaged, and you wonder why shit happens like this to you every single time.


People create so much grief for themselves by placing the incorrect amount of value on entirely the wrong things. Sex is way the easiest part of a relationship to get right. It's simple. No manuals or classes are required. We're all properly equipped by nature. And you can figure out fairly quickly if your sexually compatible with someone. Generally this isn't that hard either. All good sex takes is engagement and enthusiasm. By engagement I mean actually enjoying pleasing someone else sexually. Only utterly selfish unaware people can fuck this up. Enthusiasm should be self explanatory. :)

It's all the *OTHER* stuff in a relationship that requires you're immediate attention. And it's all that other stuff people are so reluctant to do. Talk to one another. Ask pertinent questions. Learn how one another live their lives. Ask the hard questions, the adult questions, and expect adult answers. Clarity is only achieved when one is clear, and that only happens if you seek it.

Everything of true value in a relationship comes from two things. Trust, and shared ethics. These two things require candor, frankness, and honesty. And not only honesty from someone else, but honesty from yourself. *THIS* is the difficult part that people are terrified to face.

These things have absolutely nothing to do with your vagina or my penis. So stop making those two things such a big deal.

p.s. Just so you're aware, my daughters read my blog. And I encourage them to think about this topic exactly this way. Why? Because I want them to have fulfilling lives free of drama and unnecessary taboo laden b.s.

Women get dumped on enough as it is, so why add to your grief? Own this issue and be free of the problems.