Ok so this is a first for my blog. Normally when I post here it is to get intellectual or philosophical ideas out of my head so that I can make sense of them. And then I make the post public, because I invite feedback from EVERYONE to make sure I'm keeping my own intellectual bullshit in check.
This is the first time I've ever written something just for one person. You. So this is a bit more significant to me because the risks are greater. Granted I know all too well I wear you out all the time saying everything (probably incoherently) on my mind. It's how I'm made. I can't not do that.
I never meant for any of this to happen between us. Mind you, I'm glad it did. More grateful than I can probably ever say. But a part of me still feels just a tinge of guilt about that, given the circunstances. Often I feel like I'm being really unfair because I really never intended to unlock my feelings so thoroughly or so quickly. It's left me a little dumbstruck actually. Over the years that I've been at least mostly single I've always had at least a little of my guard up. Once you've experienced certain things in your life you learn the value of that. But I also know that keeping your guard up too much just gets in the way.
Maybe it's like you've told me before, fate. I'm not a big believer in spiritual matters, like at all. But this has been utterly profound for me. Maybe it was just the right time. I've known you for a long time, but the past few months have made me realize how little I knew, and how grateful I am to properly really know you. I'm in awe of the person you actually are, and at the same time deeply empathetic towards the situation you find yourself in. This has really and truly gone beyond merely liking staring at you and thinking really awesome thoughts about those possibilities (though I won't apologize ever for getting my jollies from that).
My experiences have taught me, rather harshly, to really grasp what matters in this life thingy we're all trying to do and live. I'm sure from your perspective often the situation you are in is utterly nerve wracking. I can't imagine it being anything else. I utterly hate the situation you are in. It's terrible. It sucks. I know all too well, because I've been in a similar spot myself, and more than once. So I know how soul crushing it can be. Struggling your hardest to do what is right and to take care of those you love, and get no appreciation for it, or even worse get bitched at about it. It breaks my heart to see someone else, especially someone I care about, go through something like that.
Though I deplore your struggles, I am inspired by how well you cope and by how tenaciously you sacrifice for your son. Everything you are going through and have gone through speaks volumes about the kind of person you are. And THAT is what I have fallen for.
I struggle with my patience here, but don't overthink that. It's MY struggle. I just endeavor to be as candid about that as I can, so you'll know. You deserve to know what you're getting into with a person like me. Burdening other people with my actual life, experiences, situation, and feelings.....isn't something I do very well. Or usually at all. At least in my recent history this is something I've been utterly relucant to do. So this whole thing is equal parts exciting, amazing, and downright scary to me. And I think it should feel like that, but it's been a very long time since I've really recognized that.
I'm all about the idea, the concept of love. Love is literally all we have. Yeah you gotta go to work and earn money and stuff. Gotta eat a sandwich. Gotta sleep. etc.... But the only thing of value in our lives is love. So I'm a fan of the concept. It's how I approach all of those few people I'm actually close to. So I'm all about some love. But I'm also keenly aware that I've been in a whopping total of three committed relationships in my life. And all three failed. So it makes me think really deeply, and really hard about this. It forces me to stop and think (probably too damn much) about all the stuff swirling around in my head.
This is gonna sound cliche' and trite......but I've been in relationships before. Far longer ones, and ones that led to more face-time and more intimacy than you or I have ever had the chance to experience. And what I can say is that I've legitimately not felt what I feel for you...like ever before. It's a bit unnerving. It's unfamiliar territory. It's weird. It makes me sit here and second guess everything I do and say....and everything I've done and said already. And it really worries me that I've just typed this out on a screen, knowing full well I'm planning to send you a link to this.
And I don't want you to think I'm completely off my rocker or that I've turned into some obsessive weirdo. I'll still be behaving myself like a grown person should. If I get nothing out of this that I truly want, I'll still value everything we have shared. And we have shared a lot. And it isn't like I haven't listened or paid attention. You've been candid with me about how you feel about me, so this isn't me doubting your words. Not at all. I trust you implicitly and believe everything you tell me. I'm inspired by you, in awe of you at times, and I worry so much about you. I think you've been done very wrong. And yet you struggle on, and still face me honestly despite what I am sure are conflicted feelings given how suddenly all of this happened to you.
I know I've helped you out here and there, and I know you're grateful. But that is that, and this is this. I want and need to be closer to you. And you need to be appreciated for the awesome woman that you are. I can't wait for us to have the opportunity to discover what that could be.
Sunday, September 23, 2018
Sunday, September 2, 2018
Communication Is A Minefield, And That's OK.
We truly live in an amazing time. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Kik, Whatsapp. And then there are social dating apps like Tinder, OkCupid, POF, Match.com, the list is nearly endless.
So many ways to at least attempt to connect with people. And while much of it is good, useful, and worthwhile.....a lot of it is NOT. I think people have slowly begun to lose a sense of what it is to communicate. And more importantly, they've failed to grasp HOW to approach communication that (in these popular mediums) doesn't involve using your voice, or your body language.
There are parts of the human experience that rely on a lot more than photographs, or memes, or 140 characters in a row.
Granted, I'm as guilty of playing in these pools as anyone else. I post so many memes on Facebook it's likely that I have an addiction and need some sort of intervention counseling. :P
And yes, for anyone that knows me well, I do that sort of thing with deliberate purpose. My sense of humor and irony is a bit twisted, and I'm not easily offended nor are most of my friends.
But on occasion, I do lose a friend. Even when that loss is due to misunderstanding, or someone just being juvenile it bothers me. Not a whole lot, but it does get inside my head and irk me. I lost two friends last week, two people I think are really cool. One of whom out of the blue accused me of being some colossal pervert, when I hadn't done anything of the sort. Go figure.
I think you have to approach social media with deliberate force, and with more honesty than most people are accustomed to, at least online and that makes some uncomfortable. But otherwise you run the risk of social media becoming a circle-jerk of distractions, rather than anything vaguely useful. When you're in close proximity in the "real world" with your friends you bare up much more bravely, and often much less socially polite, than you do online. And I think you have to treat online interactions the same as real ones. Then again lots of people do the same thing in the real world, and just carry over that behavior online.
This is why I am difficult. I know I am. I've had people tell me I am quite often. But it isn't to be mean, or to come across as unnecessarily complex. It's that I simply reject much of the dishonesty and fear that goes along with being socially adept.
Social media is a way to stay connected with real friends, and a way to make new ones from your circle. But it's also a minefield, especially if you have the desire to let yourself just "all hang out" there like I do. But it's only a personal minefield because I do become occasionally disappointed in people that I otherwise admire.
I have reached a point in my life where the only way I'm really comfortable is letting all of my "me" out into the open. Well maybe not all lol. No one really does that. But I gravitate towards almost all. On the occasions that I've tried online dating sites and the like (and lets be utterly clear, once you get past the 90% bot populations on almost all of them, they are still not entirely useless) I tend to write profiles that communicate precisely why you WOULDN'T like a guy like me. I believe this is incredibly useful, and certainly in that sort of scenario a whole lot more honest than "I like long walks and sunsets" or the usual laundry list of recreational activities anyone with a pulse could enjoy that you tend to find on them.
I use the same tactic everywhere. Well almost everywhere. I don't bear my extroverted "me" mode at work, but even in that aspect of my life I can't avoid giving glimpses. My role in my working life is different than my actual life. But that is literally the only area of my existence where I make that exception.
So why is it a tactic? Well there's a fundamental difference between being friendly, and being friends. I don't think enough people appreciate the distinction. If you want to legitimately connect with people, it also means you want to also find those who aren't going to....or can't....understand or like you. It might sound selfish, but the truth of the matter is that we all have limited time, energy, and resources. We can't be liked by everyone. I'd even argue we shouldn't be liked by everyone. And it's a fools errand to even try to have everyone like you.
That doesn't mean that I don't want to be liked. Far from it. I "need" to be liked as much anyone else needs to be. Human beings exist in a weird contradiction of states. We are all on some level fundamentally alone, and yet there is NOTHING worth doing or experiencing without the support of other people. Whether that support is a friends, or a family members, or a lovers....that support is what gives texture to our lives. No one, absolutely no one, can be an island unto themselves. Even the people you encounter that try to use you or take advantage of your kindness realize this. That's WHY they need you in the first place. In that scenario it's just a sick justification of what is nonetheless true.
I've lived a really messed up life, pretty much since birth. It wasn't all bad, but enough was bad to have both twisted my thinking for many decades, and at this point (I hope) finally cleared my head as to the nature of things.
I am the way I am, because I think I grasp the importance of communication. And I also grasp that modern methods of communication in no way make this any different. But I don't want to skate across the surface of my life in any realm, either the real world or the online one.
All too often people structure their speech so that you hear "what they want you to hear", or "what they think you'd like to hear". The former is dishonest, the latter is cowardly. But this is often how people are in the real world, and this tendency spills over into the online world.
That tactic, in both realms, well it might make things smoother......but it's incorrect.
Make waves. When you do, you discover important things. You realize that strangers might think you're weird, but that doesn't actually affect you in any meaningful way. You realize that some "friends"...aren't. And you occasionally will find your allies.
And those are the only people worth finding. Only with real connection can you really have friends. I think not enough people appreciate this, and confuse "friendly" with "friends".
It's still valuable to be friendly. I'm not a pig to people, at least not on purpose. But these are two seperate ideas.
I'm gonna continue walking this path, because I believe it is the correct one. It isolates me to some degree. But the few connections I do have are real and valuable ones that I cherish, so I think I'm doing what works.
So many ways to at least attempt to connect with people. And while much of it is good, useful, and worthwhile.....a lot of it is NOT. I think people have slowly begun to lose a sense of what it is to communicate. And more importantly, they've failed to grasp HOW to approach communication that (in these popular mediums) doesn't involve using your voice, or your body language.
There are parts of the human experience that rely on a lot more than photographs, or memes, or 140 characters in a row.
Granted, I'm as guilty of playing in these pools as anyone else. I post so many memes on Facebook it's likely that I have an addiction and need some sort of intervention counseling. :P
And yes, for anyone that knows me well, I do that sort of thing with deliberate purpose. My sense of humor and irony is a bit twisted, and I'm not easily offended nor are most of my friends.
But on occasion, I do lose a friend. Even when that loss is due to misunderstanding, or someone just being juvenile it bothers me. Not a whole lot, but it does get inside my head and irk me. I lost two friends last week, two people I think are really cool. One of whom out of the blue accused me of being some colossal pervert, when I hadn't done anything of the sort. Go figure.
I think you have to approach social media with deliberate force, and with more honesty than most people are accustomed to, at least online and that makes some uncomfortable. But otherwise you run the risk of social media becoming a circle-jerk of distractions, rather than anything vaguely useful. When you're in close proximity in the "real world" with your friends you bare up much more bravely, and often much less socially polite, than you do online. And I think you have to treat online interactions the same as real ones. Then again lots of people do the same thing in the real world, and just carry over that behavior online.
This is why I am difficult. I know I am. I've had people tell me I am quite often. But it isn't to be mean, or to come across as unnecessarily complex. It's that I simply reject much of the dishonesty and fear that goes along with being socially adept.
Social media is a way to stay connected with real friends, and a way to make new ones from your circle. But it's also a minefield, especially if you have the desire to let yourself just "all hang out" there like I do. But it's only a personal minefield because I do become occasionally disappointed in people that I otherwise admire.
I have reached a point in my life where the only way I'm really comfortable is letting all of my "me" out into the open. Well maybe not all lol. No one really does that. But I gravitate towards almost all. On the occasions that I've tried online dating sites and the like (and lets be utterly clear, once you get past the 90% bot populations on almost all of them, they are still not entirely useless) I tend to write profiles that communicate precisely why you WOULDN'T like a guy like me. I believe this is incredibly useful, and certainly in that sort of scenario a whole lot more honest than "I like long walks and sunsets" or the usual laundry list of recreational activities anyone with a pulse could enjoy that you tend to find on them.
I use the same tactic everywhere. Well almost everywhere. I don't bear my extroverted "me" mode at work, but even in that aspect of my life I can't avoid giving glimpses. My role in my working life is different than my actual life. But that is literally the only area of my existence where I make that exception.
So why is it a tactic? Well there's a fundamental difference between being friendly, and being friends. I don't think enough people appreciate the distinction. If you want to legitimately connect with people, it also means you want to also find those who aren't going to....or can't....understand or like you. It might sound selfish, but the truth of the matter is that we all have limited time, energy, and resources. We can't be liked by everyone. I'd even argue we shouldn't be liked by everyone. And it's a fools errand to even try to have everyone like you.
That doesn't mean that I don't want to be liked. Far from it. I "need" to be liked as much anyone else needs to be. Human beings exist in a weird contradiction of states. We are all on some level fundamentally alone, and yet there is NOTHING worth doing or experiencing without the support of other people. Whether that support is a friends, or a family members, or a lovers....that support is what gives texture to our lives. No one, absolutely no one, can be an island unto themselves. Even the people you encounter that try to use you or take advantage of your kindness realize this. That's WHY they need you in the first place. In that scenario it's just a sick justification of what is nonetheless true.
I've lived a really messed up life, pretty much since birth. It wasn't all bad, but enough was bad to have both twisted my thinking for many decades, and at this point (I hope) finally cleared my head as to the nature of things.
I am the way I am, because I think I grasp the importance of communication. And I also grasp that modern methods of communication in no way make this any different. But I don't want to skate across the surface of my life in any realm, either the real world or the online one.
All too often people structure their speech so that you hear "what they want you to hear", or "what they think you'd like to hear". The former is dishonest, the latter is cowardly. But this is often how people are in the real world, and this tendency spills over into the online world.
That tactic, in both realms, well it might make things smoother......but it's incorrect.
Make waves. When you do, you discover important things. You realize that strangers might think you're weird, but that doesn't actually affect you in any meaningful way. You realize that some "friends"...aren't. And you occasionally will find your allies.
And those are the only people worth finding. Only with real connection can you really have friends. I think not enough people appreciate this, and confuse "friendly" with "friends".
It's still valuable to be friendly. I'm not a pig to people, at least not on purpose. But these are two seperate ideas.
I'm gonna continue walking this path, because I believe it is the correct one. It isolates me to some degree. But the few connections I do have are real and valuable ones that I cherish, so I think I'm doing what works.
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