We truly live in an amazing time. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Kik, Whatsapp. And then there are social dating apps like Tinder, OkCupid, POF, Match.com, the list is nearly endless.
So many ways to at least attempt to connect with people. And while much of it is good, useful, and worthwhile.....a lot of it is NOT. I think people have slowly begun to lose a sense of what it is to communicate. And more importantly, they've failed to grasp HOW to approach communication that (in these popular mediums) doesn't involve using your voice, or your body language.
There are parts of the human experience that rely on a lot more than photographs, or memes, or 140 characters in a row.
Granted, I'm as guilty of playing in these pools as anyone else. I post so many memes on Facebook it's likely that I have an addiction and need some sort of intervention counseling. :P
And yes, for anyone that knows me well, I do that sort of thing with deliberate purpose. My sense of humor and irony is a bit twisted, and I'm not easily offended nor are most of my friends.
But on occasion, I do lose a friend. Even when that loss is due to misunderstanding, or someone just being juvenile it bothers me. Not a whole lot, but it does get inside my head and irk me. I lost two friends last week, two people I think are really cool. One of whom out of the blue accused me of being some colossal pervert, when I hadn't done anything of the sort. Go figure.
I think you have to approach social media with deliberate force, and with more honesty than most people are accustomed to, at least online and that makes some uncomfortable. But otherwise you run the risk of social media becoming a circle-jerk of distractions, rather than anything vaguely useful. When you're in close proximity in the "real world" with your friends you bare up much more bravely, and often much less socially polite, than you do online. And I think you have to treat online interactions the same as real ones. Then again lots of people do the same thing in the real world, and just carry over that behavior online.
This is why I am difficult. I know I am. I've had people tell me I am quite often. But it isn't to be mean, or to come across as unnecessarily complex. It's that I simply reject much of the dishonesty and fear that goes along with being socially adept.
Social media is a way to stay connected with real friends, and a way to make new ones from your circle. But it's also a minefield, especially if you have the desire to let yourself just "all hang out" there like I do. But it's only a personal minefield because I do become occasionally disappointed in people that I otherwise admire.
I have reached a point in my life where the only way I'm really comfortable is letting all of my "me" out into the open. Well maybe not all lol. No one really does that. But I gravitate towards almost all. On the occasions that I've tried online dating sites and the like (and lets be utterly clear, once you get past the 90% bot populations on almost all of them, they are still not entirely useless) I tend to write profiles that communicate precisely why you WOULDN'T like a guy like me. I believe this is incredibly useful, and certainly in that sort of scenario a whole lot more honest than "I like long walks and sunsets" or the usual laundry list of recreational activities anyone with a pulse could enjoy that you tend to find on them.
I use the same tactic everywhere. Well almost everywhere. I don't bear my extroverted "me" mode at work, but even in that aspect of my life I can't avoid giving glimpses. My role in my working life is different than my actual life. But that is literally the only area of my existence where I make that exception.
So why is it a tactic? Well there's a fundamental difference between being friendly, and being friends. I don't think enough people appreciate the distinction. If you want to legitimately connect with people, it also means you want to also find those who aren't going to....or can't....understand or like you. It might sound selfish, but the truth of the matter is that we all have limited time, energy, and resources. We can't be liked by everyone. I'd even argue we shouldn't be liked by everyone. And it's a fools errand to even try to have everyone like you.
That doesn't mean that I don't want to be liked. Far from it. I "need" to be liked as much anyone else needs to be. Human beings exist in a weird contradiction of states. We are all on some level fundamentally alone, and yet there is NOTHING worth doing or experiencing without the support of other people. Whether that support is a friends, or a family members, or a lovers....that support is what gives texture to our lives. No one, absolutely no one, can be an island unto themselves. Even the people you encounter that try to use you or take advantage of your kindness realize this. That's WHY they need you in the first place. In that scenario it's just a sick justification of what is nonetheless true.
I've lived a really messed up life, pretty much since birth. It wasn't all bad, but enough was bad to have both twisted my thinking for many decades, and at this point (I hope) finally cleared my head as to the nature of things.
I am the way I am, because I think I grasp the importance of communication. And I also grasp that modern methods of communication in no way make this any different. But I don't want to skate across the surface of my life in any realm, either the real world or the online one.
All too often people structure their speech so that you hear "what they want you to hear", or "what they think you'd like to hear". The former is dishonest, the latter is cowardly. But this is often how people are in the real world, and this tendency spills over into the online world.
That tactic, in both realms, well it might make things smoother......but it's incorrect.
Make waves. When you do, you discover important things. You realize that strangers might think you're weird, but that doesn't actually affect you in any meaningful way. You realize that some "friends"...aren't. And you occasionally will find your allies.
And those are the only people worth finding. Only with real connection can you really have friends. I think not enough people appreciate this, and confuse "friendly" with "friends".
It's still valuable to be friendly. I'm not a pig to people, at least not on purpose. But these are two seperate ideas.
I'm gonna continue walking this path, because I believe it is the correct one. It isolates me to some degree. But the few connections I do have are real and valuable ones that I cherish, so I think I'm doing what works.
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