I've been debating writing about this, at least in a semi public manner like this. It's never particularly wise to share too much about yourself, but there's something cathartic about blogging away that is difficult to deny. Writing for me has always been personal, even when I spent many years writing articles and reviews of *geek stuff* for tech publications. Even in that stale venue I could express my thoughts, and perhaps be a bit entertaining while I did it too. On occasion as well writing in the tech industry gave me the opportunity to op/ed things I felt strongly about such as privacy and the application of law as it relates to concepts like liberty and personal responsibility. So, even being a boring ass reviewer of geeky things did occasionally result in fulfilling and cathartic examples I am proud of.
This of course is not that sort of journal. This is a far more personal one. Through all of the trials and tribulations I've dealt with over the years you would think I'd be past the need to vent, and I suppose in most senses I am. This isn't me yelling at the wind after all, at least I don't think this is what I'm doing. Rather it's just a process of trying to understand the nature of things around me, especially those things that impact me, and yet, are outside of my direct control.
To preface, and this isn't a noiseless plea for sympathy, some background is necessary to let you know how I've arrived at this odd place in my life. Anyone brave enough to read my profile will probably *get* the fact that I'm not your average Joe.
Fifteen years ago I was at the top of my game. Married, with a wife I loved. Two very young daughters. An enviable career. I had achieved much at the tender age of 28 with a high school diploma and one college dropout session behind me. I was corporate director of Loss Prevention for a South East retail chain division. I had the big almost six figure salary, the company car, prestige among my peers, the works. I achieved all of this the hard way working my way up in this retailer from the tender age of 16. Then came downsize number one. A few years later trying to climb my way back up in the company, downsize number two. I go to work for another retailer as a store manager, making less than half of what I did before. Then comes downsize number three. (note: I experienced downsize number four about three years ago, but it wasn't such a big deal...I've gotten used to them...they're like friends now LOL).
The financial strife experienced over this course of time is largely what led to my divorce. Granted, in actuality this merely accelerated my ex's desire to be more unfaithful than she had been, all of which I found out much later but I digress. At any rate I end up unemployed this time for about half a year while I sit back and lose everything that mattered to me material or otherwise. I spend the next year trying to rebuild a life while simultaneously fighting for custody of my kids. Despite mountains of evidence, despite my ex committing perjury twice, she wins and I lose. I'm a realist at heart, so I don't kick myself too long about losing. I'd been prepared for that from the day I took her to court.
I spent the next couple of years focusing on the basics. Making my life stable, or at least stable enough to not royally suck. This I have achieved largely through accepting the fact that I'm relatively poor and have kids to take care of. I now have an aging parent to take care of as well, but whatever. I focus on doing what I have to do to honor the relationships I value.
Granted, I did spend a few years engaged in what I refer to as "3D Areal Combat Serial Dating", and though I came out of that phase of mine with a few regrets I learned things along the way. The experiences I've had the last eight years of post-divorceness (is that even a word?) have molded me into who I am today. And I generally like who I am today.
One of the important ways I've grown, is in developing the realization that anger and abject hatred are truly wastes of time. Dwelling on such thoughts and emotions does little but harm ones self. I have exercised this revelation of mine in many senses. The most obvious and practical one has been my deliberate decision to be cordial and affable to my ex. It's in my best interest, as well as my children's best interests. As deeply as I'm prone to contemplate things, this is a tenet I apply everywhere I can in my life. This is why I make it plain in my profile that I can no longer abide by people who use foolish reasons to hate. It's just wrong headed and damaging, and serves to close your eyes rather than open your heart.
This does not mean I've turned into a passive fool however. In the case of my ex, she thrives on drama and controversy. I've never shied away from pointing this out to my ex when it was necessary, and I've never pretended to my daughters that I've ever once considered their mother's behavior acceptable. I've gotten a lot of static over the years about my candor with my children, but my decision to be absolutely candid with my girls about everything has worked well for me and for us. This candor goes much further than simply being my opinions of their mother. I'm candid with them about everything, myself included. As such my relationships with my two daughters are strong ones. Not identical ones however. I treat my girls as the individuals they are. As they're now both teenagers, one of whom is about to start college, it'd be foolish to treat them otherwise.
So why am I writing all of this. Well, we've got some drama in da house!!! And it's a frustrating variety of drama, known as ex stupidity. She's done quite a lot of things I should have been far more frustrated about than I have been. So long as my girls weren't in any sort of crisis however, I let those things be, all the while paying VERY CLOSE attention. She's lived in seven places in the last eight years. Out of those eight years she's been gainfully employed almost two of them. When downsizing hit her current husband (who is also my former best friend from grade school....don't even ask....Jerry Springer wouldn't even touch my divorce), she bounced around a few boyfriends here and there. She and he have stayed married primarily due to the joys of the Earned Income Credit and the extra several thousand bucks it puts in their pockets at tax time.
So now, her husband is under a criminal investigation, awaiting the outcome of a Grand Jury before indictments come down. She was ordered to have nothing to do with him, and to definitely not have the girls around him, due to the precise nature of what he's accused of. She stupidly violated the order given to her by DSS. She's dodged bullets with them countless times so I can only assume she thought she could again.
Gratefully my very smart high school graduate daughter had literally just moved in with me so she can get away from her mom-drama and start her own life (as well as start college here). As in a week before all this came to light. Not so gratefully, my youngest nearly ended up in foster care. She was placed with her maternal grandmother (whom I trust) instead of me, when her mother was temporarily stripped of her parental rights. Why was she not placed with me? Because the DSS investigator claims she had to make an on the spot decision, and my ex lied about me having joint custody, saying that I didn't have it. Given that this was necessary and true I suppose I can't fault the DSS investigator. But this has led to a very weird situation that I am not happy about one little bit.
In an interview session with my ex, her attorney (as to how she could have gotten away with using her husbands criminal attorney to represent her in the DSS matter is beyond me), DSS, and myself, I was basically put on trial. Somehow my not being a Christian made me seem less fit than an unemployed perjury ridden ex who despite having all the responsible behavior of a slug, claims to love Jesus. It didn't rattle my composure externally, but it was shocking all the same. I was able to remind everyone in the room, a room that eventually filled with law enforcement and state police detectives, that I was not the person who had violated state and federal laws and a court order. It took some significant gymnastics to steer things back intellectually on course, but I did.
Now we're in this limbo state, awaiting the findings of a Grand Jury, so that DSS can decide what they're going to do next. And yes, before you ask, I'm expecting to have to lawyer up rather quickly. Not sure how I'm going to afford it though. I'm still paying child support on even the daughter that now lives with me. DSS cannot intervene, so I've had to separately lawyer up over that issue. Given that my child support is about 40% of my net income, it's a necessary first step. My divorce time period, as it coincided with a significant stretch of unemployment, left me incapable of securing loans to finance the impending sleighride. Banks are generally not willing to loan money to people who have had home and auto loans forclosed, but I digress.
Moral of this story? No matter how hard you try to live a good life and become a good person, things entirely outside of your control can come along to test you. This reminds you that being a good person, and doing good things, even living a good life have little to do with the drama that often can creep up into it. We all have a tendency to let the "bad times" drag us down into a pit of self recrimination.
This is not only a huge waste of time, it is also precisely the wrong reaction. No matter what happens in your life being able to look yourself in the mirror and face who you really are and be good with that is the reward, the ONLY reward. Everything else is just life and it's details. Obstacles are a part of life, and once you realize this fact, they can be dismissed.
Exasperating though they can be sometimes...
No comments:
Post a Comment