Your Heart

I suppose as close as we have become, we are still very different types of people. Still, no matter what else has happened and no matter what else will happen, I will never not be grateful for the opportunity to have known you.

I am a person of actions. Words. Shitloads of them. And though I have feelings like everyone else does, I've never really been that good at expressing them without words. It is this part of ourselves where we are polar opposites.

I have strived hard to be the kind of person where "reading between the lines" isnt necessary. I've made way too many mistakes in my life, and the number one mistake has always been keeping my mouth shut. It's why I don't anymore, but it's also why I've turned into an incredibly difficult shit to deal with. And that's nobody's fault but my own.

Even though we've known each other for 12 years, I'm sure that would be a legitimate shock to you. Even with all I've said to you. But we've only really come to the point of intimately being close to one another in the last year. So you've been able to get a glimpse of a person you didn't quite know recently even though we've known each other for so long.

Granted, I've always had a big mouth. And I've always been a sarcastic jackass, and most of my life a bit of an extrovert. But I can also say most of my life that's merely been a tactic. And in all honesty I can say it's been a learned and calculated way a relating to people in a friendly and affable manner just so I could keep people at enough of a distance to hide my real self.

The person you know today is a complex and very lonely individual. The more time I have spent over the years since my divorce trying to deconstruct just what went wrong in my life, the more I have realized just how messed up I actually am.

Granted I'm not a complete train wreck. I know I have a cogent and agile mind and intellect. And I can be grateful for the fact that my experiences both good and bad have allowed me to retain my kindness. My mother, who is both the most damaged and impressive person I have ever met, at least instilled in me the value of kindness and empathy.

Friendship, connection, and genuine love.....This is the business of the universe and literally the only things we indulge in that actually matter.

Our ancestors millennia ago struggling to feed themselves every day understood that perhaps better than we do ourselves. Life is struggle and bullshit and pain. It's random. The fact that any of us is alive is the most incredible dice roll there ever is or ever has been. And nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is ever guaranteed.

The struggle, to make a tiring point, is real.

I have tried to embrace this as my truth. Even if it's not actually the truth I still believe it is.

I'm ridiculously smart. I could at least sit in front of a bunch of teenagers and give a discussion of astrophysics and quantum mechanics that would not get frowns from a high school science curriculum staff. And I've never been formally trained in any of that. So I know I'm at least smart.

But I'm also smart enough to recognize that I might not know enough. Ironically being smart, if you're dedicated to skepticism and honesty, means you recognize how stupid you are.

And believe me in some things I completely recognize how stupid I am.

I know you babe. And I can say with confidence I know you better than you have had the courage to allow anyone else to know you.

There are so many things I admire about you, but I also know you live in a really dark place. And I'm struggling to understand that place.

I don't understand why you and I are not blissfully fucking happy at this point.

After 14 months worth of struggling together why aren't we blissfully fucking happy?

I have been ready to step across that threshold for so damn long. I don't understand what holds you back.

And I fully realized even if we were to come to some stunning realization tomorrow and put all of this nonsense to bed and decide to move forward together in every sense of the word that we would be facing a really difficult fucking year ahead. A year of difficulty that is largely my fault.

I cannot expect you to be on board with that. But at the same time you better goddamn be ready to be on board with that. I didn't fall in love with you because it was cute convenient or blatantly sexual or any of that nonsense.

I fell in love with you because I did. It happened. I'm not afraid of that.

You still are.

Please tell me why....